Lots of our clients are working on forgiving their partner’s affairs. Is there really anything much harder? Moving forward can feel like all your pain and “victimization” is being forgotten…or at the least, marginalized. Not moving forward (ie being hurt, enraged, tearful all or most of the time) is never a good option anyway, is it? Giving in to those reactions day after day feels out of control, stuck, and like misery. For those who really don’t want to divorce, the next steps are brilliantly vague and murky. Light is needed in the corners of each day. “He or she is acting like nothing happened…I want to, too…but I’m not ready to let it go.” Don’t despair: primarily because you are not alone.  And it is a really cool thing to resist divorce.  A marriage that rises from the ashes can be the strongest one ever. The Huffington Post article posted below is a good one containing simple points to remember and keep you going when you are slogging through this really tight spot.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/abby-rodman-licsw/9-non-negotiables-youll-n_b_5928442.html

Patient: My cousin died last year. He and I grew up together, hanging out on hot summer days, getting into trouble, fishin. Drank our first beer together. He died last year. Did I already say that? It about killed me. We were the same age. He had colon cancer. And [tears start streaming] his wife. She, well, she loved him. She was crushed. She wrote a paper that his buddy read at his funeral. She said she enjoyed everyday with him. That he was her best friend. That being with him gave her true joy. She was so lucky she found it. That’s what she wrote. I cried when I heard that. I cried like a baby. And I still cry when I think about that because…because. I want that. I want what they had.

JS: You want what they had. And thinking about that makes you cry.

Patient: Yes. Cause I’m pretty sure I’m gonna die without that.

JS: She loved him and she felt he loved her in return.

Patient: And if my relationship with Rachel doesn’t work out, I’m never gonna find that with another person. I’m out of time.

JS: You are here, crying and talking to me. You are alive. It feels from where I sit, that you have the gift of time.

Patient: What good is time if you don’t have your partner.

JS: Time is allowing you to find that love you crave. You may have already found it.

Patient: No. We aren’t there. We aren’t even close. She is always out just of reach. Aloof.

JS : But yet you stay with her year after year. And she stays with you. Do the two of you have your own “thing?” Is someone else telling their therapist right now “I want what they have?”

I love to use analogies and metaphors in therapy sessions. Allegories, too.

Hands down, my favorite, for many years is the hula hoop. Yes, the simple childhood toy. The same one. THAT hula hoop. Hereafter referred to as HH

Imagine a world where everyone has a HH permanently affixed around their bodies. It just hovers there in space…around every single person. Including you.

Let the HH represent a guide to healthy living. A guide to healthy boundaries.

The HH fits perfectly around each person. Not too tight. Not too loose. But inside each HH there is room for only one person—no one else.
Within your HH is ALL you have control over.

Your actions. Your beliefs. Your hopes. Your plans. Your desires. Your decisions. And your voice: Your ability to ask others…in their HH for what you need from them.

This metaphor the foundation of HH Thinking.. .and freedom from heartache and stress.

Much more on the view from the HH to come…